this blog is moving. specifically to jesseandrews.com. specifically to the blog part of jesseandrews.com. and there it shall stay. i'm not sure i want to keep importing it to my notes in facebook. we will see. in the meantime, jesseandrews.com may be worth some or all of your time.

love,
jesse

a new short story, by me, on puppy rabbit, my short fiction and cod pornography blog. yes, cod pornography. pornography featuring cod.

the story is very moving. if it doesn't make you tear up a little, you are a robot.

was just in colorado for my first-ever destination wedding. someone's family has a massive thing of land in the mountains. we stumbled out of some vans, sat in chairs in front of the altar, itself in front of an obscenely beautiful mountain backdrop. waited. some rain began lightly falling. attendance exceeded 160. on each seat was a poncho from wal-mart. everyone put theirs on. the rain stopped. i decided that ponchos were demeaning to the human spirit and took mine off. here is what happened next.

audience of wedding: [falls into that sudden anticipatory quiet where dozens of independent conversations reach a sort of terminus, and all that is left are the sounds of breathing bodies, trees, the wind]
me, with brio: I'M going COMMANDO.
audience of wedding:
me, hastily: i mean with the, you know, the whole poncho, um, scenario
a friend: jesse everyone heard that.
me: poncho! poncho. NOT underw
man clutching seven-year-old daughter, several rows behind us, glaring: EVERYONE.

sadly, for me, on the list of Loudly Saying Idiotic Things At Joel's Wedding, this episode does not quite crack the top ten. none of the other episodes are going to be reprinted here.

weddings are awesome.

4:37 PM me: here's the thing
4:38 PM ben mezrich is a confabulist
so why can't the story about him also be confabulated?
i can write this in literally two hours
Greg: wow
you're blowing my mind
4:40 PM me: yeah.
Greg: vampire
me: and that's not all that's getting blown here
Greg: he is a vampire.
now
me: ben mezrich performed oral sex on the indonesians in his non-fiction sweatshop
and yes, he is a vampire
...
4:43 PM Greg: remember those unsolved anthrax attacks in late 2001?
4:44 PM i just figured out who did that shit
me: no way!
fuckin mezrich!
Greg: BEN MEZRICH
me: what a dork!
Greg: he's a clown
me: just a huge creep, this guy
4:45 PM Greg: if i lead by calling him "Ben 'The 20th Hijacker' Mezrich"
do you think that's going too far?
or not far enough?
me: do we already know about 19?
i think not far enough
4:46 PM Greg: he also....get this...
me: imply that he has a stigmata
Greg: he SHOT BARACK OBAMA
me: this guy is a jerk.
4:47 PM Greg: he also cured aids, but he was so stupid he didn't write down the cure and forgot it!
me: FOR THE LOVE, BEN MEZRICH
ben mezrich took my older sister out on a very nice date and then didn't call her, ever again
4:48 PM then they saw each other in whole foods and he pretended like the whole thing never happened
Greg: wow
do you know he exposed himself to an old lady?
he showed her his single testicle
and, get this
the old lady was geraldine ferraro!
4:49 PM me: BEN MEZRICH?!!!
Greg: and she totally dug it
none other
me: oh!
oh.
ben mezrich adopted a tarantula as a child
like, the tarantula is legally his child
4:50 PM and it goes to class with other children and just scares the bejeezus out of them
ben mezrich shares about 80% of his dna with tarantulas\
Greg: he also has two tarantulas which are BASTARDS
4:51 PM if you bible code ben mezrich's DNA, it contains instructions for making a molotov cocktail
and then if you read it backwards, it says you should use it to kill John Updike
me: NO
Greg: what a tool!

4:54 PM Greg: B Mezrich has about eight Twitter sock puppets
4:55 PM me: the only thing ben mezrich writes on twitter are angsty song lyrics
usually radiohead
or coldplay
they're not even entertainingly obscure
Greg: he uses them to get email addresses for his porn spam empire
me: what a disgusting pervert.
4:56 PM ben mezrich likes to go to this thai place near where i work
where they don't speak very good english
and he always asks for fried rice without peas, and they usually screw up his order
because, not great english
plus, who cares, they're peas
anyway, he just goes ballistic
4:57 PM Greg: ben fucking mezrich
me: completely unnecessary, am i right
Greg: here's the thing
he doesn't even like thai food
he just does that to do it
4:58 PM me: i know. i know.
Greg: he's such a weirdo
me: he's not gay, but he is dog-gay
that's gay for dogs.
4:59 PM i mean... christ.
Greg: what the fuck is he doing?
5:00 PM me: he had all this potential, coming out of high school
5:01 PM we really thought he was going to do great things

* i am on twitter now

* somehow i failed to write about this, but a week ago our house hosted 32 israelis from camp ramah and they were very pleasant and left us many, many bags of candy in gratitude

* i am moving to the south bronx in about three weeks

* specifically to a region that at least one google maps user has identified as relatively lacking in nutritious foods

* not to be weird, but after seeing batman the dark knight, i have become gay for heath ledger

* periodically i link to this blog because it is awesome and that is what i am doing again right now

for anyone who is interested: i just finished the third rewrite of my second manuscript, entitled godspeed, and if you want to read it, regardless of whether you've read previous drafts, i will send it to you with what giambattista vigo once termed "the quickness."

blurb: godspeed is an alternately disturbing and hilarious romp through the past of a hyper-educated narrator with memory problems. it martials incest, drug addiction, tourism, and a manhattan apartment filled with human waste as stand-ins for self-love and -loathing. many readers have found it excellent. it is about 65,000 words, and three of them are "shrieking."

that is all.