the late 1990s were a little window of contentment, maybe even ennui. terrorism: whatever. music wasn't great, but it was easy to ridicule. i personally was nearing the end of a decades-spanning Awkward Phase. it was also, i think, the last time i visited a dentist until yesterday.

i cannot tell you how proud of myself i was in the days leading up to this appointment. scene: one of a number of elevators. i am inching over to someone i do not know. now i am whispering into their ear: "i made a dental appointment." terrified, they stare rigidly at the vague distorted reflection of us in the elevator door. "all by myself," i add. "and it wasn't even because my teeth started throbbing whenever i put food on them."

no, i was just idly sitting around when the epiphany struck me: probably time to visit a dentist. so i did. i found one on the internet. the dentist had a name like dr. shawaz al-muhammat and shared a waiting room with a korean acupuncture clinic. i rang the bell and knocked on the door. nothing happened. the korean acupuncturist appeared in his doorway and eyed me with serene equanimity. i eyed him back. we were silent. with his eyes, the acupuncturist sent me a message: i wish to puncture you many thousands of times. with mine, i responded: please do not do that. he persisted: if you are wise you will consent to the holistic puncturement of your skin and musculature. i casually brought out the new yorker and started to read it. his gaze remained fixed on my head. i made a little humming noise from stress. the tides drew nearer. the rotation of the earth slowed imperceptibly.

eventually our little impasse was broken up by the receptionist, who was wearing a headscarf. she beckoned me into what i can say without hesitation is the most islamic dentist's office i will ever see in my life. this assessment is derived mainly from the superabundance of quotes from the qur'an affixed via poster or printout to every available surface. also, photographs of mosques and minarets. i sat in the dentistry chair and contemplated the 99 names of allah, conveniently displayed in front of me in an arrangement resembling the periodic table. here are some of the names of allah:

5. The Flawless and the Giver of Peace
13. The Shaper of Unique Beauty
30. The Subtle

these are not names of allah:

The Gouger of Your Sensitive Gums
The Unable to Contact Your Insurer

but allah is not a dentist.

gums throbbing, i went to whole foods for some squid.

genial whole foods squid counterperson: ah! you like eh-squid?
me: big-time.
gwfsc, happily, to himself: you like the squid! you like eh-squid.
gwfsc: you like eh-squid, and so, you like octopus?
me: well
gwfsc, hastily: eh, big. big octopus, no small.
me, suddenly uneasy: ummmmmmmm.
gwfsc: tonight, i make octopus. you want to know how i make octopus?
me: by all means!
gwfsc: i take a pan, and then i take a big eh-smell, like mmmmmmmmm.
gwfsc: [inaudible]
gwfsc: real quick, you have the ink, and then you must [inaudible]
gwfsc: each one, real careful, like ping! ping! you take some [spanish word or words], you must spread around, and then—muy importante—it is time to [inaudible]
me: uh... yum!
gwfsc: okay? you try?
me: it sounds sort of complicated.
gwfsc, suddenly dismissive: PFAH.