las vegas airport
me: how fired up are we.
bud and josh, chorusing: huzzah!
me: how fired up are we for
enormous television: carrot top... at the luxor... the greatest comedy show in the history of prop-tertainment
me:
josh:
bud: wait--aren't we staying at th
enormous television: yes... you ARE staying at the luxor
enormous television: ha ha ha ha ha ha
enormous television: here is some footage of carrot top holding a toaster and running around like a jackass

blackjack table
dealer: YOU BET NOW
damon: can i just fake-bet on this one?
dealer: YOU BET NOW
damon: i just sort of want to see how this one works out, before i start, uh
dealer: YOU BET NOW MUST
damon: okay, let's
dealer: TWENTY-TWO: BUST
dealer: YOU GOING TO TIP OR WHAT

outdoor pool
jack: my god, but this is pleasant.
keith: superb.
me: elysian!
large-breasted woman: hey! are you guys enjoying your gay little man-party over here? ha.
jack:
josh: we were until you showed up.
keith, sotto voce, furiously: WHY would you say that.
keith: no what, uh, ha ha, where were you, um...
keith: hi.

las vegas airport
enormous television: a cavalcade of humor-words... from the greatest funny-mind... the world have ever known...
bud: i'm sorry, i think it's "has"
enormous television: no, i'm sorry. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T GO TO HARVARD LIKE YOU.
bud:
josh: how did it
enormous television: jerk.

ESPNzone
waiter: you guys are gonna effing love me
waiter: okay so i couldnt get the brewers game on the television but check it out right i know you guys probably want to see vegas probably want to maybe see some ladies and the main thing is you gotta know someone who can give you the hookup
danny: um... this is ESPNzone.
waiter: i know right its great
waiter: so my dad right he drives a limo he can take you all to a strip club like scores or seamless or nipple treasure and youre not gonna believe this but he can get you in absolutely free plus maybe some drinks
jack: you can't get the brewers game on the television? the brewers game.
danny: it's like the only game on right now.
me: does anyone else's burger taste like [rooster/penis]?
waiter:
me: mine, it tastes like [rooster/penis].

outdoor pool
a different large-breasted woman: so your friend tells me he went to harvard.
me: no, no--keith went to haverford.
adlbw:
me: sometimes he pronounces it wr
man who is a giant steroid molecule, appearing suddenly: IS THIS FUCKER BOTHERING YOU
me: JESUS CHRIST
mwiagsm: NAW I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU, [slur denoting homosexual]
adlbw, suddenly tearful: brad, you leave him alone
mwiagsm: YOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS, [vagina]
adlbw: BRAD DON'T BE CALLIN ME THAT
me: WHY AM I SUDDENLY IN A SCENE FROM "SLINGBLADE"

video poker machines
me: jack! jack!
danny: dude you gotta come game the system with us
me: check it: you can play one of these for like two hours and maybe lose a single dollar
danny: meanwhile, the beverage lady keeps coming by, and it's like: free drinks
me: they are strong like the MIGHTY LION
danny: i've already had a bloody mary, a white russian, jack and coke, a miller lite, some chardonnay, g and t, and a few more thingies
me: we're gonna take a break pretty soon for some breakfast

ESPNzone
jack: um, this is awkward;
bud: but we do feel like you should know.
me: your septum is literally leaking out of your nose.
danny: it kind of got on my fries.
josh: otherwise we wouldn't have said anything.
waiter: ha ha thats great guys seriously i love milwaukee or whatever
waiter: now are you gonna call my dad or what see some ladies check this i can even get you free drinks at one of the clubs its called the hole truth
waiter: the sunny vulva is another option i feel you should know about

video poker machines
danny: hey!!. THIS machine, ,. it's just teh best
me: it's so AWESOEM that we4 just spned oNE DOLAR, get liek 8ghty DRNIX out of it
danny: SO CHEAP
me: ,,,
danny: SO COST-EFFECTIVE
me: .;
me: im' just gonna PUT in $1100 and see waht hapens